What they got was a digital Wild West where common sense goes to die, and "doing your own research" means scrolling through Facebook Marketplace with the critical thinking skills of a golden retriever chasing a moving car.
Aww, the dog.
Enter our protagonist: a woman whose dream of owning a puppy was about to become a financial nightmare.
The Call That Had my Head side-cocked. Wait, What Did You do?
The phone rings. A customer, let's call her "The dog-less wonder known to chase traffic," is absolutely livid that the bank blocked her Zelle transfer to her new "friend" from Facebook.
"I'm trying to buy this adorable Border Collie, and your stupid bank won't let me send the money!" she huffs.
Now, I've seen enough of these calls to know where this is heading, but I'm curious how deep in shit Cruella Dumbville is.
"Looking at your Zelle I see the $1,000 was sent successfully, and you’re sending them more money?" I ask.
"Yes, I already sent them $1,000, but now I need to send another $1,000 for the shipping and vaccination fees."
Shipping and vaccination fees. For a dog. From Facebook. To someone she's never met.
Did they also promise to deliver it by drone like a stork? Wearing a little propeller bowtie spinning in the wind with tiny pilot goggles on, getting dropped off on their doorstep, herpes-free?
Where exactly is this ‘Dog’ you speak of?
The Art of the Scam: A Masterclass in Manipulation
Here's how these digital dog dealers operate: They post photos of impossibly cute puppies to overload our lizard brains with endless nose-boops to price them just high enough to seem "premium" but affordable enough to be tempting. Then comes the kicker: multiple payments. There's always another fee. Shipping. Vaccinations. A "climate-controlled transport crate." Insurance for the puppy's emotional well-being during transit. Williams & Sonoma level bullshit.
It's like a subscription service, except instead of getting boxes of artisanal dog treats, you get monthly reminders that you've been financially Tiger-Kinged in front of your crying kids at home. That puppy your mom promised… well.
This is why you don’t talk to strangers on the internet; meet them in real life first. Make sure the puppy is actually inside their van, verify it like they said. Tell them to drive to the nearest police station. Gotta do the exchange where both of you feel safe.
A woman is getting her new dog delivered by drone to their doorstep, as promised.
“A stock photo Border Collie costs nothing until you believe in it.”
The Train of Thought Has Crashed Into Stupid Canyon
"Ma'am," I tread carefully, "how long have you known this seller?"
"I found them last week on Facebook Marketplace. They’re selling their new litter!"
She's known this person for less time than it takes a puppy to destroy a chew toy, and she’s poised to spend the price of sturdy furniture on a pet that lives exclusively in her head.
"And you've never seen the dog in person?"
"Well, no, but they sent me pictures!"
“Have you talked to them, FaceTime maybe?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Oh, Dear!”
Pictures. On the internet. The information pixeltube of bad ideas. The digital flea market for liars, thieves, crypto dipshits, and people who think a stock photo of a border collie is worth two grand in Zelle cash? That internet! Buying pictures. Unsupervised.
Scammer 101: Obedience Training for Humans
"This sounds like a Zelle scam." I said gently.
"But how else am I supposed to get a dog?" she asks with the kind of confusion reserved for someone who treats owning a dog as an idea, status, an American Girl dog, and not a forever friend.
How else? I don’t know, maybe by trying one of the thousands of legitimate ways people have been getting dogs since the dawn of time. None of which involves sending $2,000 to a JPEG.
A Ruff Guide to Legitimate Dog Acquisition
Shelters and Rescues: Where good dogs wait for good homes, and the only thing you'll be scammed out of is your belief that the adjustment period is going to be easy.
Reputable Breeders: You know, the ones with actual addresses, references, and dogs you can meet before forking over your life savings.
Pet Stores: Sure, they're pricey, but at least you can physically confirm the dog exists before your wallet gets lighter.
That Stray That Keeps Showing Up: Free dog, comes with character. Side effects may include inexplicable loyalty and a tendency to judge your life choices.
Ghost Dog: The Scamurai
Our heroine, undeterred by logic, evidence, or a sad Sarah McLoughlin song about her specific dog-buying blunder, was determined to complete her transaction. After all, what's $2,000 when puppy love is on the line?
Spoiler alert: There was no dog. There never is. In the end, all she really bought was a $2,000 reminder that gullibility isn’t refundable and a dispute claim that even the CFPB would laugh at.
Meanwhile, the scammers probably used her money to buy actual dogs for themselves. The irony is, the only person who didn’t get a dog in this whole online plan was the one paying for it.
The Moral of This Tail
In the digital age, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. And if someone you've never met wants you to send money through an irreversible payment method for something you've never seen... well, you might want to go touch grass. Pet a neighbor's dog, ask them how to get one for yourself.
Because the only thing worse than not having a dog is having no dog and no money to get one legitimately.
Remember: Real dogs come with papers. Fake dogs come with payment requests.